AutoXS

PONTIAC CATALINA SAFARI WAGON

Vehicle type: Front engine, rear wheel drive, 3+3+3 passenger, 5 door wagon
Price as tested: $1200.00
Price per pound: 24 cents

Options on test car: Custom baby blue exterior/interior with hand stitched naugahyde seating surfaces and leather wrapped steering wheel, faux inlaid wood dash
Standard accessories: Full gauge package excluding fuel gauge (fuel gauge simulated by writing mileage on a post-it at each fill up and sticking it to the dash)
Sound system: Sony CDX-5080 pullout AM/FM CD player, 4 speakers

Engine
Type: 8 cyl. thruster
Displacement: 403 cu. in.
Redline: we don't want to know
Emissions controls: Yes

Dimensions and Capacities
Wheelbase.... 0.0000027 light years
Track, F/R.... 0.02 hectometers
Length........ 214.7 inches
Width......... n(cx)i, i=2f(g)
Height........ 9 fathoms
Curb weight.. 2 1/2 CRX's
Fuel capacity. Hopefully enough to get to 7-11

Interior
Front seats... bench
Rear seats.... bench
Rearrear seats aft-facing bench
Seat adjusts.. headrest up and down

Gen. comfort. poor fair good excellent
Fore&aft supt poor fair good excellent
Lateral suppt. poor fair good excellent

Suspension
Front.......... Cushy as a ride on the Love Boat
Rear........... The Love Boat is actually more jolting

Wheels and tires
Wheels........ Pontiac Safari "Cool Baby!" ed.
Tires.......... Provide ample audial feedback when cornering P185/90NOR (rated 55 mph)

TEST RESULTS
Acceleration
0-30........... 3.8
0-60........... 9.9
0-90........... tomorrow
0-110......... airborne off cliff
Top speed..... 111.111 mph

Braking
70-0 mph always at impending lockup ................ too long
Fade........... phenomenal

Handling
Roadholding (1.6mi skidpad) ................ .92g - .92i
Turning circle 99(3pi) mi.

Fuel economy
EPA city...... 20
EPA highway. 28
AutoXS obsvd 7

Interior sound level, 80mph at impending disintegration ................ You can tell exactly which valve is clacking with crystal clear precision